When in Doubt, Don’t

I’ve been feeling my feelings a lot more lately...and man does that suck!  I am noticing how negative I am...towards everything.  Myself, life, the world, etc.  I constantly doubt myself and what I am doing.  ‘Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.’  Will my book ever be published?  Doubt it.  Am I treating the kids right?  Sure doesn't feel like it.  Am I being who I should be as a wife? Doubtful.  Am I making everyone happy?  Never.  Am I truly who I want to be?  No...fucking...clue.

‘Your faith can move mountains and your doubt can create them.’ I am creating hurdles for myself...constantly battling my own inner demons that never seem to leave me.  The mountains in front of me are tall and magnificent, but they are of my own making.  If I had faith in myself, I could move these mountains, but right now I am stagnant.

I was at a meeting the other day where I had purposely gotten dressed and felt cute because I was finally leaving the house.  I wore a really cute hat. Every one commented on how stylish I looked and how great I looked in a hat.  What was my response?  “Oh, well it is obviously because I didn’t wash my hair today,” or “well you should see what's really under it.”

I don't take compliments well apparently  I doubt myself...and I make excuses for things I do well.  One person even said “well I do see what’s under it..and she’s beautiful too.”  Mind...fucking..blown.  Do people really see me?  Do they love me even though they know the real me?    The answer is yes...and I need to understand that.

I am so hard on myself that I don’t even allow myself to truly know me.  Who am I?  It seems like I don’t even like myself.  Why can’t I take the compliments that people give me and believe them instead of doubting them?  Why do I feel I need to justify someone telling me I look great?  I need to look deeper to find these answers.  Right now, I need to figure out why I feel so uncomfortable when people tell me positive things.

The other night, I was looking at my body, discontent with some weight I have recently gained.  All I thought about was how I look pregnant.  All Hubs says is how great I look.  But all I hear is that I am fat and have gained weight.  I am sad, upset, doubting my worth.  The usual feelings.  I can hear 1 million great, positive things, and still only focus on the 1 negative one.  I will dwell on that negative thought forever...never letting it go.  It will come back into the forefront of my brain months later...taunting me.  It is like my addiction; always doing pushups in the parking lot waiting for me to come back to it.  Stronger than me.  More worthy than me.  Doubting me.

I googled a million quotes about doubt for this blog.  But really, all I had to do was look at Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection.  It states on page 113, “self doubt undermines the process of finding our gifts and sharing them with the world.  Moreover, if developing and sharing our gifts is how we honor our spirit and connect with our Higher Power, self doubt is letting ourselves undermine our faith.”

We have to start owning our messages to overcome self doubt, according to Brown.  She refers to our doubt as “gremlins.”  She then compares them to toddlers, saying if you ignore them, they get louder.  (Boy, do I know about that right now!)  Brown goes on to say that to overcome our gremlins, we should write down our messages because it makes us own them, giving us more power.  Specifically, “it gives us the opportunity to say, ‘I get it.  I see that I am afraid of this, but I am going to do it anyway.’”

So here is my message to myself.  

When in doubt, just don’t.  Don’t let the gremlins win.  Don’t let fear overtake you.  Don’t listen to negative self talk.  And most importantly, don’t really doubt yourself. You are worth it.  You are loved.  You are important.  You are YOU.  Own who you are.  And love yourself, Ellen. 

Love,

You