Cookies Fortune
If you know me well, you know my favorite movie of all time is Gladiator. However, when I was in high school, my favorite dumb movie was Dude, Where’s my Car? My best friend at the time and I would literally watch it almost everyday on our 2.5 hour lunch break (we did that on purpose so we had periods 1-4 then 6; Lunch and Period 5 and 7 were off. We would laugh at all the same parts, and we could quote the whole movie. We even made a CD with all the songs as well as ZULTAN quotes and “The Bubble Bunch” song. Honestly, if you have no clue what I’m talking about, you are truly missing out. It is ridiculously dumb humor that requires zero brain cells and is absolute stupidity. But it’s amazing.
In the movie, the two guys (Ashton Kutcher and Seann WIlliam Scott) spend their day looking for their car, which they lost after partying. They are dating twins (Maria Sokolof and Jennifer Garner) who join them on their search. They go to a Chinese drive through and have a hilarious conversation with the person taking their order. They have another friend in the back of the car who says, “And the cookies fortune!!” And alas, that is how I named this blog. ANNNNDDDDDDD DEN!??? While writing this, I am watching the youtube videos, and I still have everything memorized! Nerd alert!
Long story short- I eagerly opened a cookies fortune tonight. Noah and Bella each had their first one ever, Ian had one, and I was excited to share my fortune with them. I opened it. Completely empty. No cookies fortune. Devastation ensued. HOW COULD I BE FORTUNELESS?? Ian immediately said, “this must be a sign from your Higher Power.” “WHAT COULD THIS MEAN, HIGHER POWER? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?”
Let me just tell you the definition of fortuneless.
Definition of fortuneless: 1: lacking in or not conducive to good fortune : UNFORTUNATE
this fortuneless encounter
2: lacking wealth : POOR, IMPOVERISHED, especially : having no marriage portion
but who would marry a fortuneless girl
How unfair. I immediately turned to trusty old google to find related articles. Turns out, I have been doing my cookies fortune completely wrong my whole life. There are rules! Who knew!? However, reading the rules, I found out, through number 7, that it is actually a good sign to get a fortuneless cookie!
1.) Do not grab the cookie closest to you, but the one furthest away when served by the host or hostess.
2.) Pick a cookie that is most closely “pointing” towards you (i.e. the 2 pointed ends, not the rounded part, is facing you).
3.) If you rip your fortune, it will not come true.
4.) You have to keep the fortune for it to come true.
5.) You cannot look at all the fortunes first, then claim the best one as your own – or give the worst one to someone else.
6.) After reading the fortune, you must not tell anyone your fortune, and then eat your fortune cookie and put paper on fire for it to come true.
7.) If there is no fortune in a fortune cookie, it is a sign that something good will happen to you soon. (Because fortune-cookie-fairy owes you one fortune.)
8.) If you get 2 fortunes in 1 cookie, they cancel each other out. The fortune from the next cookie is the one you will receive
9.) If you text your fortune to one person that is very close, the fortune can come true for both you and the person you texted!
10.) In order for fortune to work, you cannot tell anyone what it says.
11.) You can’t look at the fortune until you are done eating the entire cookie.
12.) You have to eat the entire cookie in order for the fortune (that came from the cookie) to come true.
13.) You cannot pick your own fortune cookie. (Someone has to give you a cookie)
Regarding receiving a fortuneless cook, it states in another article, “the Pessimist might interpret this as: I’m done. ‘I have nothing left in life.’ The optimist might interpret it as: ‘I've got everything I need. My life is perfect the way it is. I need nothing added to it.’” Why is it that I automatically thought of it as a bad thing? Why do I immediately go negative? Does anyone else do that? Yes, my cup is half empty. Damn it! It actually is half full, but my brain is always in the worst case scenario. If Ian isn’t home on time, I am convinced he is dead. Never fails. So how do I change my thinking?
The answer- “Change the way you look at things and things we look at change.” Mind blown. So I am working by writing down all the negative things that hurt my feelings, whether it be a situation or something someone said to me. I write this negative part in pencil as it can be erased. Under it, in a bold colored pen, I write the same thing in a positive way. This is not erasable and is permanent. The positive is permanent and the negative is erasable.
Here is an example. It is actually a real example of a response I got on Instagram after telling my truth about what has been going on with me. It is a preview of what she said, because I blocked her and now cannot find the comment.
“You claim to be a “recovery guru” inspiring women yet all you are is a liar who can’t face reality. You should be living a life of rigorous honesty- where is yours? You are a fraud and a joke.”
That was just the gist. She had a lot more to say. I’m not going into how I feel about this and how I responded (although I thought it was really good and precise response). But here is what I will write so that it is actually a positive thing.
“Thank you for reminding me that posting this is the true definition of rigorous honesty. I am following the correct path to better myself. Thank you for reminding me why I do not want to use or drink in the first place because I no longer want to be considered a liar, fraud, or a joke.”
See how that works? I encourage anyone to try it if you struggle with being positive. Read over your positive affirmations every time you get upset or resentful about that person, place, or comment. It may change your whole outlook on life.
Moral of the story, enjoy your cookies fortune whether it has a fortune or not. And be positive, damn it!
