Rigorous Honesty
At the beginning of every AA meeting, there are two readings, The AA Preamble and How it Works. How it Works is a chapter of The Big Book, and although I have heard it or read it thousands of times, it hit me differently today. The first paragraph states:
HOW IT WORKSRarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
“Men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves...Developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty...The capacity to be honest.” These things hit me. I have not been honest with others or myself. I have not been living with rigorous honesty. But I can recover if I have the capacity to be honest. As of last week, I was not working a functional program. I was pretending that it was all fine and dandy. I was helping others on my social media, I was volunteering to help other addicts, I was speaking at meetings like things were great, I was telling everyone I was sober. I was lying.
I have switched addictions before in my life. I apparently have a theme, because I did it again. I have not had a drink in 1,690 days (WHOA- high fives!). However, I was taking pills addictively for longer than I should have. I was not living a rigorously honest life, and I have to now tell my truth in order to get better and move forward.
And I’m fucking sorry. I’m sorry for the hurt I have caused and the pain I have brought to loved ones. I’m sorry I put myself through this, but also that it hasn’t only affected me, it has affected everyone around me. I’m sorry for losing the trust of others and for living this lie. I’m sorry I led everyone astray with my stories of success all while feeling like a failure and hating myself on the inside. I’m just fucking sorry!
This is not an apology letter. These are not the amends I need to make to my loved ones. Those will come when the time is right. This is merely me finally speaking my truth and writing the emotions that go with it. Someone told me that writing should be my new addiction. I’ve been journaling everyday, calling my sponsor everyday, and starting the work again in a positive way with no secrets.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
My secret is out. My family knows, my AA friends and family know, my social media followers know, and now the people who read this blog know. I’ve gotten nothing but support from my recovery people. In fact, here are some of the comments I got on my recent post:
We will always welcome back our own, no matter how far they stray. Anyone who is anything but compassionate needs to take an inventory of their own ego. I honor your courage to be so transparent and authentic!
You’re incredible and just because you work in this space doesn’t make you any less human. You’re brave and we admire you!
One day at a time! You got this - it’s very brave to share this , and we commend you for it . Keep up the good work and keep coming back ! You’re strong and you got this 💪🏼💪🏼
I did the same exact thing. I haven’t had a drink for 21 yrs., but I got addicted to pills for quite some time. You are brave and your honesty is a great sign of your willingness to get and stay sober 🙏🏻
I’m honestly glad you’ve had this experience and survived to this point...Many of us don’t.
You are amazing! Congrats on day 7! You are so brave and strong! A wonderful inspiration! ❤️
Big love and respect to you for this
You are very brave. Your vulnerability shows a lot about who you are as a person. I respect you even more for this post. ❤️ you got this.
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful, all the time. Thank you for sharing honestly about your struggles. Keep on keeping on lady! You've got this shit!
Oh girl! You have my heart!!! I was 9 years sober when I started relapsing on pills. The lies, deceit, hurt I caused… but the come back was strong!!! I have 5 years now and super grateful for my WHOLE journey!!! Reach out or DM me if you wanna chat. I’ll share all the hope and restoration I have.
Ellen, I don’t feel led astray at all. Rather I continue to see you as a leader in sobriety, sharing the path. 👏👏👏❤️. Keep on my sober friend. Like peeling the onion.
I admire you even more for your honesty with yourself and others. ❤️
Awewwww beautiful share. We’re all human on the road of life trying to navigate all the twists and turns. You’re so brave to share this and it will bless many people. There’s no shame in our struggles because it’s what brings us together as humans. Wonderful and courageous share. And you can do it. Life is hard. But together we can push through and point each other to the light. God bless you!
You get the point. Yes, I fucked up. Yes, I am owning it. I have to embrace this part of my life because this is my journey. Everything happens for a reason, and I needed this all to go down this way to learn something. In one week, I have already learned more than I thought I would. I’ve learned that no matter how low I can get, there will always be people there to pick me up. I’ve learned that there is a positive to every negative. I’ve learned that being honest actually is cathartic and will help me grow. I’ve learned that my family loves me and doesn’t judge like I thought they would. I’ve learned that I could have done things differently, but that is not the path my Higher Power chose for me. This was all supposed to happen, and I am actually grateful for that.
Give vulnerability a shot. Give discomfort its due. Because I think he or she who is the most willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest, but rises the fastest.
-Timothy Ferriss
