Introducing a Fellen
On an early Saturday morning in the fall, I was in my softball uniform ready to start the game. We wore shorts instead of pants with big padded spandex under the shorts. Then we had to wear huge knee pads to protect our knees when we slid into base. Of course, in high school, we all wanted to look cute, so we tried to make the shorts as short as possible. But then we got raspberries whenever we would slide. Beauty never comes easily; it was painful to be a cute softball player.
High school softball is full of chanting and cheering. “Good eye good eye good eye BALL good eye good eye good eye BALL.” Taunting the other team, trying to get in their heads. “Down by the river we took a little walk. We met up with the other team and we had a little talk. We pushed em in the river. We hung em out to dry. We can beat the other team and we don’t have to try.” Silly chants just go on and on and on throughout each game.
My given name is Ellen Elizabeth Fellows. It’s really fun to say in a British accent. I like to pretend sometimes that I actually am British, but I don’t have the skills to be taken seriously. During this softball game, my friend said “you’re up Ellen Elizabeth Fellows!'' I responded, screaming my name with a British accent. She yelled “Fellen Ellows!” and it stuck. A fellen was born. I’ve been Fellen ever since.
February 16 is my birthday. I like to celebrate the entire month of February. It is all about me after all. I’m pretty selfish. But most of my family is over it, so we just celebrate my birth DAY. 35- That sounds so old, but there is so much I want to do. I’m not really old. It just sounds old. Some people in my work place look like they’re 12. They’re actually in their 20’s. It’s weird. I’m that person now saying, “kids these days.” I am a mom. Twin mom actually. I’m an overachiever you see. I am just like any of you. I have the same problems and issues and questions. But I want to talk about it. I want to be real. I say Fuck. A lot. And when I notice that kids are around, and I just said fuck, I usually go oh shit or god damn it. I’m that mom. I have crazy experiences in my life and I have normal everyday experiences just like anyone. I want to share my life and my journey with you. Oh, and to top it all off, I’m in recovery. What does that even mean? What am I recovering from?
Lance Dodes M.D. from Psychology Today says “In most areas of life, "being in recovery" means a person is making progress even though s/he isn't "cured." Sometimes it is used as a synonym for "being in remission" — indicating relapse is a clear possibility (as with being in recovery from cancer), while other times it means "on the path to a definite cure" — as in being in recovery after surgery. Neither of these usages is problematic, so long as we all understand what is meant.”
Umm, OK. That kind of helps. I don’t know who Lance is. It was the first thing that popped up when I asked Google about recovery. What does recovery mean to me? It means I am recovering from a life I used to have, decisions I made, and the person I was until I decided to remove alcohol from my life. I am no longer privileged to have alcohol. OK, you get it now don’t you? I’m sober. I’m an alcoholic. I’m an addict. I can be addicted to anything. I don’t say I’m an addict because I am a druggie. I’m an addict because I can be addicted to shopping or spending money or to sniffing glue. I am addicted to binge watching shows. I love so many shows. I can be addicted to so many things that aren’t necessarily drugs or alcohol. But I have been addicted to both drugs and alcohol as well. Absolutely. Therefore, I am an addict in every sense of the word.
I say I am an alcoholic because I suffer from alcoholism. It’s the ism that gets you. ISM- I, Self, Me. ISM. Ism is actually a noun for a distinctive practice, system, or philosophy…blah blah. Put alcohol in front of it and get alcoholism. I am so selfish; everything is about me. ISM- Insecure Selfish Me. When I put alcohol into my body, I don’t just put a little in. As soon as I start, I obsess over how much more I can have. I obsess and obsess and obsess and consume consume consume until I can’t. And I don’t stop. Well I did stop actually. But that’s why we are here. To talk about trials and tribulations of being alcohol free, what happens when we drink alcohol, and how it affects our lives in general. Oh and also add the fact that I am a mom of twins and have a part time job and have to juggle all of these things in a society that glorifies alcohol in every single way. I have so many things I want to share with you. So many ideas, so many questions, so many stories. I want you to laugh every time you read this. I love making people laugh. I think I can be pretty funny. I say it how it is. I don’t sugar coat anything. I want you to share your opinions and stories and ideas with me too. Let’s collaborate and do this together.
So there it is. I’m just a twin mom living a sober life trying to navigate keeping my children alive and keeping my job and not killing anyone and not losing my shit on a daily basis. Read with me, walk with me, laugh with me. Allez-y.
