Misconceptions of Vulnerability
Some of you may know of Brené Brown. She is one of the women I look up to; she has books and podcasts that have helped me work through some things, and she is a very smart researcher. She has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Her TED talk about vulnerability is one of the top 5 viewed TED talks in the world. I highly recommend listening to her and reading some of her books. Her full bio is here.
One of her quotes about vulnerability is: “Vulnerability is not a weakness...and that myth is profoundly dangerous. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”
Let’s break that out. “Vulnerability is not a weakness...and that myth is profoundly dangerous.” We are taught as a society that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. If you are vulnerable, you are a “pussy.” You need to “grow some balls.” That saying is completely baffling to me- a pussy usually is the same term as vagina. Vaginas are stronger than anything men possess, including the most physically sensitive part of them- their balls. Vaginas give birth to every human on this planet. Yet, we are told to grow balls when we are acting weak or vulnerable. Pussies are stronger than balls ten fold. So, in essence, people should be told to “grow a vagina” instead of “balls” because vaginas actually are strong, not something that brings you to your knees if they get hit the wrong way. Anyway, I digress. Other sayings are that you should “suck it up” and “stop complaining,” to name a few.
To society, vulnerability makes someone look small, weak, inadequate. Brené is saying the opposite is true, and the myth behind it all is completely dangerous because it leads us to shut down our emotions, not say the things we are really feeling, and learn to numb our real feelings. How many of us start to cry and immediately apologize? I am guilty! But there is absolutely no reason to apologize for feeling our feelings! It is like we have been trained to silence ourselves.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to feelings of worthiness.” Whoa. This one is intense. Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. The more we can share about what is going on within ourselves, the more connection we will have with those around us. If I just keep everything inside, I get nowhere. If you are feeling like you are in a rut with a relationship, ask yourself, have I been vulnerable with that person? Have I told them exactly how I am feeling, or am I bottling it all up, never knowing when it will explode? That is a precarious place to be; it is better to be completely open and honest than to bottle things up. Vulnerability births connection and the relationships that we all are wanting.
I am constantly feeling worthless. It has been something that I have struggled with as an adult. I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser and am therefore struggling with my worthiness. I want everyone around me to be happy, but never truly focus on myself. I have feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness based on constantly striving for perfection. Perfection isn’t possible, but I work for it, never get there, and feel worthless when I don't.
“If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” If you aren’t being vulnerable, you probably are not sharing your full truth. Being as open and vulnerable as possible is the most constructive way to gain connections, have strong relationships, and speak what is really on your mind. You will feel worthy, adequate, strong, and at peace when you rely on vulnerability. Instead of all of the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, we will have an inner peace knowing that we are telling our full truths. We will no longer bottle things up, resent not saying something, dwell in fear and anger, or live a life feeling unworthy and weak. Who really wants to live that way?
Why am I bringing this all up? There is a reason of course. I have been told by many that my vulnerability and honesty is amazing, raw, and inspiring. I have also heard that some people think it is too much and that I share too many details. I use my vulnerability as a tool in recovery. If I cannot speak my full truth about what I have been through, then I am lying to myself. I am pretending it didn’t happen, or it was better than it really was, or that I didn’t have a problem. Telling the dark, deep secret stories that I have been living with for years is therapeutic.
It also helps others in need. I am not only sharing my vulnerability for myself, I am doing it for the millions of people who are actively struggling with addiction. If one of those people can hear my vulnerability and truth, she may have a similar story. That births a connection between the two of us. I can help her with my vulnerability, and it may be what she needs to hear to get sober. She sees my vulnerability and sees that I am sober doing it. It inspires her to get the help she needs. She sees herself in my vulnerability, it sparks something within her, and she starts to speak about her own vulnerability. I am no longer worthless; in fact, I am full of worth. I have helped one soul struggling through the same things of which I have struggled, and I have helped her. Vulnerability is THAT STRONG. Thinking otherwise is completely irrational, detrimental, and stifles growth.
Just last night, I sparked a connection at the event I was visiting. I brought my own NA beverages (which unfortunately is very normal as few places actually have non alcoholic beverages other than sodas. It is so sad- and another topic for yet another blog post!) Ian gave the bartender my NA drinks and told them they were for me. As I kept going back for more (duh- can’t have just one!), I made jokes and chatted with the bartenders. After a couple conversations, one bartender said, “I don’t drink either.” The other one nodded his head in agreement, meaning he didn’t either. We learned through my vulnerability and openness about not drinking, that we are all one in the same. We are all friends of Bill W. (look that up if you don’t know what it means), and we are all sober. By being vulnerable and doing the next right thing, I met two more sober people that I could talk to and build connections with. Turns out, vulnerability is, in fact, the birthplace of connections.
I encourage everyone reading this to do something or say something vulnerable today. See how it changes a relationship, sparks a connection, makes you feel STRONG AND WORTHY. Change the narrative, and get rid of the profoundly dangerous myth that vulnerability is weak.
