The Thoughts of a Writer
I’m struggling finding a topic to write about today. My mind wanders as I research literary agents to whom I can send a query letter. My heart races as I read their bios, each one offering different capabilities. What am I even looking for? I HAVE to find the right agent, but how? There are millions to choose from; how do I know which ones to pick? It is a daunting task, one that I am not taking lightly.
I wish one would just fall into my lap; Wouldn't that make it so much easier? It would take the anxiety out of it, and just make the process so much smoother right?! But that’s not how this works. I have to shop for one, the way I would shop for new skirts for the spring season. What is most popular this time of year? Who is the best? Who does memoir, self help, humorous books for a never before published random person? So many doubts flow through my head. Am I really doing this? Do I really have a good enough subject and publishable writing skills? Why would an agent ever say “yes she is the next big thing.” Why would they pick me?
I have to change this mindset. I have to switch the negative immediately to a positive. Yes, I am good enough! My book has AMAZING information in it that will help thousands. Anyone who picks it up will read it eagerly, hopefully wanting more. This is just the beginning for me. This is the hardest part. I should think of this as the getting sober part of my journey. It is the hardest part to get sober. Staying sober is the fun, still hard, but not as hard part. Finding an agent and a publishing house is the hardest part. Once I get it, the fun will begin.
I don’t even know what all goes on with this process. I’ve never done it before. I’m learning as I go. I’m trying to do everything right, to build my social media platforms, to have my website up and running, to be talking the talk. I feel like I am doing it all, but the followers aren’t coming yet. Where are they? When will they notice me? What do I have to do to get noticed in a big way? Will my agent do that for me? Or is it all up to me? How much of this is something that someone else will help me with? Right now, I feel like I am floating on a floaty, body half out, half drowning. I am holding myself up; no one else is doing anything for me. It is all up to me to do this, to push myself up and save myself. I have to push myself out of the water and jump up in front of the world and say “hey, here I am!” But right now, I am struggling. It is hard!
I joined Clubhouse, an app that has different discussion rooms for anything and everything. Maybe I can find an agent in one of those rooms? I also use it to improve my French! It has been so much fun so far, but yet it is just more time spent on a social media app...seemingly mindless. Unable to stop and function like an actual human. I have to be locked into some conversation with strangers in order to feel validated, in order to feel like I am doing the right thing. What am I even doing? It is helping me, yes. I am learning so much. But is it where I need to be focusing my time right now? I don’t know. I feel like I am spread over so many different things, trying to make the perfect Instagram Reels, the perfect Facebook posts, the perfect inspirational quotes, and finding the right Clubhouse meeting where I will become a star. This is all in the hopes of becoming a published author.
My book is going to be a big deal; My Guides tell me. I have to be patient. But God damn. What does huge mean? And how long do I have to wait? I am ready to start NOW!? But that is what I am doing. I have to remind myself that every little thing counts. Each small step that may seem like a regular, everyday thing, is actually a huge step towards my goal. And I will reach this goal. And I can't fucking wait. This book will be one of my most distinguished accomplishments. I will feel soooo fucking good when it is out in the world and I am out there talking to people about it. About my path and my struggles and my accomplishments. I will be able to look back at this writing and see, you were doing it then, you just didn’t know it yet. I am so excited to share my story, and to live my new story with everyone else through my past stories. I just can’t explain in a good way how much this elates me, to be able to use my voice to help others. That is all I want. I just need to get there. Right now, I am in the part where there is lots of waiting and unknowns. I am ready to know how this is going to take off, how this is going to help. I just want to know what my final outlook looks like.
I can’t wait! I am so nervous and impatient. I have to remind myself that yes I am doing all of these seemingly mindless things, but they are things that are truly helping push me forward. No, I do not have over 50,000 followers yet. I don’t f-ing get how to do that. But I am doing my best each day in the moment. 50,000 followers will come; it is not something I Need RIGHT NOW. I keep reminding myself that this is all progress and not perfection. That this will not all happen in the perfect way. But yet it is happening according to God’s perfect schedule for me.
