Easter Miracles
Happy Easter! I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend and enjoyed the beautiful weather!
Easter is now always a bitter sweet holiday for me. It brings back memories of 2 years ago, when Noah had his first serious breathing scare that led to many more. After a great night at Jeff and Sheree’s, my in- laws, I was hoisting Noah into the car in his carseat, and I noticed his sounds were different. I put him down and was starting to get him unbuckled when I noticed his coloring was off. Once I picked him up, he was completely limp and his face was white. "He's not breathing!" I yelled in a panic. Jeff yelled for Sheree to dial 911, Ian rushed over and grabbed Noah, patted his back, and blew into his mouth. Luckily I had caught him early enough that he didn't need full blown CPR or 911...this time.
If I hadn't noticed his sounds were different, would he have died in the car? It's too scary to think about. But a couple weeks later, when Noah stopped breathing during a feed and required full blown CPR, I did think about it.
It was a normal 5pm feed for the babies, and Ian was home and helping. He had Noah and I had Bella. They were only 4 months old, so they were getting their usual bottles. Noah’s sounds stopped, he went completely limp, and we knew something was terribly wrong. I immediately reached for the phone as Ian told me to dial 911.
“911 Dispatch what is your emergency?”
“Hi- my infant son isn’t breathing. He has tracheomalacia and a fistula and atresia (I felt these words just blubbered out of me) and has had issues previously where his trachea collapses and he stops breathing but right now he isn’t breathing,” I say as fast as I can.
“Stay calm ma’am I will help you. Tell me more details. What are you doing now?”
“We were feeding them their bottles; he’s a twin. He stopped making sounds and went limp.”
At this point, I am pacing frantically with Bella in my arms, who has also gone completely limp (twin vibe anyone?) I have to poke her in the face to make sure she is OK. I pace back into the living room where Ian is performing CPR. He looks at me with despair in his eyes and he shakes his head ever so slightly. I look at Noah. His face is completely purple and he is lifeless. I lose it completely on the phone.
“Oh my god oh my god he isn’t breathing and he is all purple and limp and lifeless. My husband is doing CPR. Please hurry -you have to get here now, you have to get here.” I don't even remember the conversation after seeing Noah like that. I basically black out in a way. My body is doing things, and my mouth is saying things, but I am completely numb. It’s like I am having an out of body experience, watching everything go on from the ceiling.
Bella finally snaps out of it and makes a sound. “Is that him?” the dispatcher yells?
“No no he is a twin; it’s his twin. You have to get here -hurry please!” I sob.
At this point, I am still pacing everywhere because I can’t stay in one spot. Ian has taken Noah outside and laid him on the ground. I have no idea what’s happening anymore. I go quiet on the phone. I think he is dead. What will I tell Bella? How will I tell her that her twin brother died when he was only 4 months old? How will I explain to people that I have twins when I only have one child? How will Ian and I manage? Will I be able to get through this? Will we split up? Will we divorce? Lots of couples go through tragedies and divorce. How will I ever feel again? He can’t be dead. I can’t imagine life without him. There is no way he is dead. He’s too small, too precious, there is no way he can die.
All of this goes in my mind in a split second as I am walking outside with Bella on my hip, still wondering what is happening. Ian looks at me, sobbing, tears streaming down his face.
“He’s OK.” And just then, I hear a cry.
And then Bella cried.
The twin vibe is strong with these two. Those cries made me the happiest I have ever been knowing that my son was alive and I wouldn't have to face all of those fears that had just gone through my head. He’s ok he’s ok he’s ok was all I thought in my mind over and over.
The whole thing took four minutes. The ambulance arrived, and Noah was still crying. Ian had saved him. He was probably doing CPR for 2 out of the 4 minutes; we don’t remember. Again, we feel like we lived this out of body experience. This was the most traumatizing thing we had been through with Noah so far, but sadly wouldn't be the last.
It’s fitting that this all happened around Easter. The first breathing scare was a buildup to the second. Easter is all about the miracle of Jesus’ resurrection. My google search and Catholic school memory reminded me that the miracle of the resurrection, described in the Bible, is the most important miracle of the Christian faith. When Jesus Christ rose from the dead on the first Easter morning, he showed people that the hope he proclaimed in his Gospel message was real, and so was God's power at work in the world, believers say.
Noah is our miracle. Bella is our miracle. IVF was our miracle. All of this was God’s power at work. He chose us to bring these babies into the world, and he chose Easter to be when things would get harder. But now, two years later, we have happy, full of life toddlers proving that life is truly full of angels and miracles.
