Travel Junkies
This past week was a fabulous week on the beach, enjoying the island life of St. Croix. Working on our tans was the main mission. Waves crashed around us; our room was literally right by them. We could walk to the beach and to cute little beach bars and restaurants from our room. We had a dinky, beat up little red jeep that we took off the top and rode around with the windows down. We hiked to the tide pools where I dangerously cliff jumped in between waves crashing around us. We went kayaking at sunset, in a bay of bioluminescence. I caught a jelly fish that lit up and felt like a booger. We had a blast, just the two of us, again back on our favorite beach- Carambola. We body surfed and finally saw the beer drinking pigs. Everything was perfect.
Except for one thing.
Everyone around me was drinking. The islands are a place where people go to drink all day. Pina coladas, strawberry daiquiris, drinks called painkillers, rum runners, Cruzan rum, rum punch, so much rum. (why is all the rum gone, after all?) It triggered the shit out of me. I wanted to drink with these people. I wanted to be included in their fun. Why am I the one who has to not drink?
Well, let’s take a look back at previous beach trips.
My senior year of high school, my family went to Encenada, Mexico. There were not many people in our resort; it was kind of dead if I remember right. My brother and I wanted to have some fun, so my parents let me have some beer. Before I know it, I am crawling around behind the plants in our room...for no reason really. I always loved the effects of alcohol. I was being silly. Now that I have been through my recovery journey so far, I see that I always loved alcohol. And I thought it loved me back until the end. I wish I could be like my dad, who drank his tequila, and got very quiet. Or he gets theological. Both amazing traits. I on the other hand don’t always get that way.
2012 was our (Ian and my) first trip ever to the USVI. We went to St. Thomas and stayed at The Marriott at Frenchman's Reef. It was spectacular! So spectacular that we had to go back the second time we were in the islands. The infinity pool dropped onto the ocean with a view like no other, looking over the cruise ships going in and out of the harbor. This was the first big trip Ian and I took together. It was fabulous. It was also the first trip where I noticed I needed alcohol. I didn’t want it. I physically needed it, Without it, I was uncomfortable. I asked Ian if we could buy our own rum and vodka to “save money.” Also it would always be in our room. This was the first trip I started secretly taking swigs from the bottle when Ian was in the bathroom or already asleep. The alcohol was my security blanket.
Fast forward to 2014- the first time we went to St. Croix. The first thing I wanted to do was find a liquor store so that we would have something in the room. I believe we bought a handle of rum and/or vodka for our 10 day trip. I would make my own cocktails in my water bottles before heading to the beach. Every day was a fun tipsy day. But it wasn’t too much yet. I’d take swigs here and there every time I went back to the room to pee. We had taken business class down, which meant “free” drinks all day, so both of us were pretty lit by the time we arrived. It is hilarious looking back at the pictures. I did get drunk each day, but not blackout, angry drunk.
Then there was the honeymoon. This has its own portion of my book haha, I was a wasted mess, to put it lightly. The honeymoon was absolutely perfect and amazing. It was exactly what I needed. After 9 months of stressful wedding planning (where we almost broke up several times), I needed to let loose. And did I ever. While it was the most serene relaxing beach vacation that was much needed, it was also a complete shitshow. I was a mess every single day. I drank so heavily during this period, almost every night was a black out. Everyday I woke up embarrassed and wondering what I did the night before. I used the excuse of being on a beach vacation to rationalize my heavy day drinking. It’s OK to drink all day on vacation in my mind. I’ll let you read the gritty details when the book comes out, but the alcohol use was increasing.
So those are the reasons I have to be the one who doesn’t drink. I just can’t. I never know if an angry Ellen is coming out or if I will be blackout driving or trying to jump out a window of the house to try to pee on the roof…....
This trip was so hard for me. Alcohol was everywhere and all I wanted to do was drink with everyone (especially Gail!) inside joke. I knew it would turn into that shitshow of a story if I did drink. But it was very triggering. From the first class cabin on the plane to the island, everything made me want to drink. I wanted to drink on the plane and upon landing. That's What i used to do and it just felt weird! All of the trip felt weird...but I was present. I was there. I wasn’t hungover and angry at myself every morning. I was able to remember conversations with Ian from the day before. Ian and I didn’t get into wasted fights! It was all glorious. So why was it so hard?
Because alcohol is my thing, straight and simple. It won’t go away. My addiction is outside doing push ups everyday that I get up and try to recover from it. If I go back to it, I may lose the fight. And that is the scariest thought of all.
