What is Burdening Me?

This week, as we always do, my sponsor and I had a conversation about what I’ve been going through.  She told me to start writing in my journal.  Writing has become my hobby, and it is something I have been doing on a weekly basis. I try to send a blog every week or so, but I don’t get myself down if I miss a week.  I can’t pressure myself too much because that takes the fun out of it.

She told me to write about my burdens.  What is burdening me?  My Guides always tell me that I am carrying the emotions of other people.  I ask them to release these emotions because I always take on too much.  I take on the burdens and anxiety of others when it has nothing to do with me.  This is something I have been dealing with my whole life, I think, but I have not actually tried to work on it before.  I have not noticed when it is happening. Instead, I lash out or react poorly to situations instead of pausing and asking myself what is really going on.  I don’t often know what the deep rooted issue is within myself because I prefer to live in denial.  I don’t want to feel those feelings of hurt, fear, guilt, embarrassment, not being good enough.  These are all the burdens that I hold within myself.

Why?

I have always been a people pleaser, wanting only for everyone around me to be happy.  I worry so much about what others are thinking and feeling that I often forget to think about myself.  How am I doing?  Am I doing OK today?  Instead, I rush to make sure the kids are happy. I worry what the husband is thinking of me, of himself, of his job, of the kids, of our life, of everything. I wonder what are my parents doing; are the in-laws free tomorrow?  Did I remember to text my friends yesterday?  Did they have a good trip?  I hope they are all doing well.  They may have issues going on that I feel I need to take on when, in reality, I have nothing to do with it.  I just want to help, to fix everything.  But at what point does it become too much?  When will I put myself first?

I try to do this by self soothing...sometimes in negative ways.  I buy myself things I don’t need, I spend money on massages and pedicures (which I do need).  I always think if I pamper myself, everything will be OK.  But I don’t actually take the time to look inward and ask “self, are you doing OK today?”

Why?

It seems I don’t want to know how I am doing.  Is this normal?  Why do I care so much about others when I am really the one I need to focus on.  I say I am doing all the right things by calling my sponsor and friends, by going to meetings to stay sober, by working out twice a week (which I of course guilt myself into not being enough), by pampering myself and taking me time.  But the me time isn’t really soul searching, let’s get myself together and be OK me time.  It is outward me time, not inward.

What do I need to do to look inward?  Mediate?  Yoga?  I hate sitting with myself in silence.  The silence is my burden.  I am scared of it and what will come out of it.  But this is what I need to be doing.  How do I get myself to just sit with myself, to love myself, and to be my own best friend.  I am a good friend to everyone around me, except myself.  Yes, I do love myself, but do I truly love my innermost concerns and demons and thoughts.  Do I love that I am always anxious and sometimes depressed?  Do I love that I struggle with addiction?  Do I love that I hate being alone and sitting with my fears?  No.  I need to embrace these things about myself to truly love myself.  I need to love my burdens.  But it is so hard.

I need to work on my spirituality. I am not spiritually fit.  I preach and preach and pretend that I am following my own preachings, but am I really?  On the outside I am always a different person than what is really going on within.  I have been so good at living a double life for so many years, hiding in my fears and addictions.  I am working so hard to get out and show myself, but am I really just still living in a shell of myself?

Everyone in recovery that has years and years of sobriety tells me to meditate and pray every morning.  I don’t.  It’s impossible for me as a non morning person to do this.  I try so hard, but I just can’t get myself to do it every morning.  So, now I try to set intentions for my day every morning.  This at least gets me thinking about something bigger than myself and how I can be the best self that day.

My emotional sobriety kind of sucks right now.  Again, this is because I am not very spiritually fit.  I talk with my Higher Power and ask my Guides for direction, yes.  This is good; this is what I need to do.  But I am not getting to the root of my issues.  I am scared to get to that point.  I am putting up barriers to my burdens or sweeping them under the rug.  I don’t like these feelings, so I try not to feel them. That is what I am used to doing.

It’s time to stop.  I say this out loud to you in the hopes that it motivates me to make the change within.  I love who I am, but I know there is so much more I can offer.  I am so content making other people happy.  Imagine how I can help people if I truly help myself first.

I found the article below about how burdens are hard to bear.  There are ten Bible verses that can be brought into daily life to help.  I’ve never been one to be all Jesus-y and quote the Bible often.  But these, while super Bible-y, seem to be spot on for what I have been talking about.  I believe in more than one way that one religion.  I believe in many different spiritual things, not simply the Catholic way in which I was brought up.  And I think that is OK.  Whatever you believe is yours.  I am not here to preach or say this is the only way; these are simply my thoughts and ideas for the day.

It is similar in recovery.  There is no one right way to stay sober.  Some people in AA think that is the one and only way to stay sober.  It is not.  Is it helpful and useful to those who work the program?  Absolutely.  But if you aren’t willing to put in the work, it will not work for you.  If you choose other ways to work on your recovery, then those will work for you.  AA says only that you must believe that there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity.  Nowhere does it say anything about God or religion.  People get caught up in the term “higher power.”

A higher power can be the door knob into the meeting.  That doorknob is what you open to go into your meeting of recovery.  The meeting itself is keeping you sober.  That door knob led you there.  Poof.  Higher Power.

Voila

Article Source: “Life is tough, and the burdens it hands you can be so hard to bear. But you don’t need to carry them alone. Read the promises of God …

1. “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved” (Psalm 55:22). God is glad to carry your burdens and give you the daily strength you need.

2. “Is this not the fast that I have chosen: To loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke?” (Isaiah 58:6). It’s not God’s will that you should be crushed down with excessive burdens; let Him free you today.

3. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30). Jesus will remove your heavy burden of guilt and hopelessness and give you true rest in Him.

4. “For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you’” (Isaiah 41:13). God promises to support and help you through every trial.

5. “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6, 7). Just knowing your heavenly Father cares about you personally can make any load seem lighter.

6. “Even to your old age, I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you” (Isaiah 46:4). The Lord desires to constantly support you throughout your life, with the intention of saving you eternally.

7. “He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom” (Isaiah 40:11). The Good Shepherd will gladly bear you in His gentle arms right now.

8. “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles” (Psalm 34:17). If you belong to Him, God will always listen when you call to Him for help.

9. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). Through faith His strength becomes yours, and He reaches out to keep you from falling.

10. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). When God has lightened your burdens, He asks you to do the same for others.”