Death to 2020

I’m slightly shocked that I made it through 2020 without a drink.  What an insane year! 

First there were the bats in China that spread COVID to the world, Kobe died in a tragic accident...then Sean Connery died too! Australia almost disappeared in fires, Harry and Meghan said “peace out royals!”  (The NERVE!),  Trump was impeached, some random movie that no one has ever heard of called Parasite won a ton of Oscars.  Let’s not forget one good thing about 2020, which is Schitt’s Creek!  (EW, David!).  Harvey Weinstein was convicted of raping a million women, stock market crashes, black lives matter, but then if you say anything about it as a non-black person, you are racist, and you also can’t say that all lives matter because that is racist too, God forbid you talk about an Indian being a mascot, because obviously that is ALSO racist, and is it even allowed that I talk about God anymore without permission?  I wouldn’t want to offend Karen!  Biden was elected, people were all up in arms about Ruth Bader Ginsburg dying, ALEX TREBEK, come on!  Then there were murder hornets of all things!  Explosions in Beirut, more COVID COVID TOM HANKS GOT COVID COVID COVID COVID, west coast wildfires, toilet paper outages, and I am seriously just sitting here waiting for the zombies.

There’s a Netflix spoof called “Death to 2020” that I highly recommend.  It is pretty spot on with everything!

I’ve gone through some shit sober.  Clearly, 2020 has proven that.  But even before 2020, there was some shit.  It’s amazing what the body and mind can do if you work through everything without immediately pouring booze into your body to numb everything out. I’ve watched both of my fur babies die sober.  They were my loves, my life, my actual soul.  They raised me.  They went through absolutely everything with me.  My darkest days, my party days, my happiest days.  And it still fucking hurts that they’re gone.  I still cry almost every day.  It’s been three years almost since Taylor, my beautiful goofy happy black lab died.  It’s been almost two years since my baby girl Dixie died.  Right after the human babies were born.  She waited until they both got home. She knew.  Dogs are amazing creatures.  We don’t’ deserve dogs.  The love they give us is undeniably the best love you will ever feel.  And when they are gone, there is such a deep emptiness that sometimes I don’t even know how I handle it.  I cry.  And I miss them.  And I remember how happy they made me.  And I think it’s time to get another dog because I want all of the dogs.  I now have Diego, and I'm dying to get a Frenchie..

I got pregnant once I got sober. Not only pregnant, but pregnant with twins after a difficult journey of infertility.  IVF was the last straw.  And it worked. Finally.  But then they were born.  And one twin, my son, has a congenital disease.  He almost died several times in the first six months of his life.  I had to watch my husband perform infant CPR on him while I was on the phone with 911 while holding Bella in my arms. I had to watch his body go completely limp and white.  His eyes turned purple.  He looked dead; I actually thought he was dead.  In my mind I was thinking, how am I going to handle this?  How will I tell his sister that her twin died when he was so young?  How will I survive after losing a baby?  A baby that I worked so hard for.  What will I do with his dead body?  I’m scared of dead bodies!  Will I touch him?  Will I kiss him?  Oh my God he can’t die because I’m scared of dead people.  I went through IVF sober and now he is dying.  Will my husband and I stay married if our son dies?  Will we stay married at all?  Lots of parents split up after tragedy because they can’t handle being together anymore. Will that happen to us?  How will I not drink if he dies?  How will I feel these feelings?  I certainly don’t want to feel these things.  That’s the point of drinking right.  I don’t feel.  I go numb.  I don’t remember.  But that’s no good.  That’s no way to get through this.  I need to be here.  I need to survive and be alert and be alive for my babies and my husband and myself.  What am I going to do?  This all went through my brain in nanoseconds.  It’s a blur.  But I did it.  And I’m still sober.

My 98-year-old grandfather died when I was pregnant…and sober.  He was such an inspiration.  I wanted him to meet his twin great grand babies so badly…He didn’t get to meet them, and I cried about it.  But he did in a way.  He saw my belly grow. He knew they were ok.  He just wanted everyone to be ok and to be happy.  He knew I was sober.  He knew my story.  He was so proud of me.  One of my scariest black outs happened after I had dinner with him on a Friday night.  I remember thinking during dinner, man I love this feeling.  I love being tipsy- it just makes me feel so good.  I love the warmth and how I feel like I can talk about anything to anyone.  I love feeling confident.  I’m not as confident when I don’t drink.  I’m not as social.  I should have stopped at that point at dinner with my grandpa.  But I didn’t.  And it was a terrible night in the end.  You’ll hear about it someday.  But luckily, he was able to see me get sober and get alcohol out of my life.  He saw a change in me, and he was so supportive.  He told me to always invest in myself.  I was able to write and read a eulogy at his funeral, and I didn’t need to drink beforehand.  It was a good eulogy too.  One of my grandpa’s friends approached me after the funeral and said he hoped someday his granddaughter would be able to say such great things about him at his funeral. 

It was easy to stay anonymous the first couple years of my sober journey because everyone knew I was either trying to get pregnant or pregnant.  But now the cats are out of the bag.  (What does that even really mean?).  I don’t drink just because I’m pregnant.  Or trying to be healthy.  Or trying to lose weight. Or trying to get pregnant.  Or because it’s January. I don’t drink anymore because I can’t.  It will kill me. Not the right way. Maybe not yet.  But someday it will.  And I don’t want to get to that point.  I don’t drink because I am considered an alcoholic in recovery going through this crazy journey one day at a time.

You probably think all of my blogs are going to be about sobriety or not drinking. They aren't- I promise!  It’s just obviously my life and what I go through now; lots of stories are how I deal with things now as a sober person.  But I have tons of stories to share that are unrelated to drinking or not drinking.  So please keep coming back and reading more.  I won’t disappoint!